“I think that gun ownership should be licensed like cars are”

Ideas come to me so quickly that it's like spinning plates.

“Calamity bathes her Glock in a casserole pan. Tits out.”

“she felt a weird lump and it caused her a lot of concern”

“The two of us sat staring at the dancing flames listening for the splashing of Dad”

“In conclusion, I am nailing it right now.”

"What I want is a hydraulic, robotic arm answering a command from a mainframe computer."

“I am a respected member of the GoDaddy family.”

“I’ve literally been nailing it all weekend…”

“It is almost impossible to become a legend without a T.V. credit.”

“…someone being tortured by circumstance…”

“I’ll probably ruminate for about two hours over what I did wrong.”

“I nailed it for a week in New York, doing 12 gigs in 7 days.”

“Being the only comedian on a lineup of slam poets.”

“In LA, there’s fucking fruit hanging on every street corner.”

“He’s prone to castigating the present literary generation’s hipster-laden irony”

“I haven’t been in shop class since high school...”

I said, “well, in the mid 1800s there was this BIG war…”

“Um, excuse me… but, like, would you mind going and fucking yourself?”