Deathwish 008: Amy
“I once thought I might jump off the Fremont Bridge”
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My first suicide attempt occurred when I was 13 years old. I was not upset. I took a bottle of aspirin and went to bed. I didn't write a note. I did wonder what my parents would think. I was surprised when I woke up the next morning. I had stomach cramps and a massive headache. I was neither happy, nor unhappy. I couldn't believe that I had to keep on living that day. And the next day. And the next day, until I died.
That feeling that I had to keep living was more surprising to me than the fact that I had tried to kill myself. As the years went by, I thought of more impulsive ways to die. I once thought I might jump off the Fremont Bridge. I wanted to feel for just one moment, as if I was suspended in time. Instead I drove myself to the emergency room. I was told by a psychiatrist that these were suicide ideations, and not to be taken literally. I stopped telling professionals about my ideas of suicide because they threatened to hospitalize me. I did not want to be hospitalized. That just amounted to a very expensive and very invasive suspension in time.
I stopped telling them the truth. If I was going to kill myself, I would not be jumping off anything. It would be a slow cowardly death; the method, a secret one. One I shall never tell anyone. The urge to kill myself has waned as I have gotten older, but I still wake up some mornings and find myself surprised to be alive. And more surprisingly, I wake up happy to be alive.
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Amy was born in Korea, and lives in Portland, OR.